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Replied Nov. 1, 2008
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In accordance to section 10.b of the contract
I write this post.Hey, there. How's it going? That's great. Wow. Have you lost weight? You look fabulous! Is that a new shirt, I mean, blouse, I mean, garment? It's wonderful and makes you very shapely in the most appealing sort of way.
Denver is hot today. And I still mean hot at 10pm. I have fans whirring about like crazy, and the temperature-o-mometer tells me it is 76 in here. What, 76 degrees, you say?! It's true. I've become a delicate flower that requires a misting of water, fans powered by the thin arms of servants, and grapes peeled and poisoned by those wishing to be in power. I hear tell of people who start to shiver and shake at the thought of 76 degrees *cough* elderly and/or residents of Texas*cough* but we people of the Mile High City have become accustomed to cool air and good times. It is not acceptable for me to be warm at 10pm.
Hmm. What else, what else, what else...
There are other things I could tell you, but I won't. Ha! I'm so cruel.
I'm trying to drown out the sounds of "Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!" Amos is bonkers for this show. If it isn't "Little Bill," "Jack's Big Music Show" or this show, forget about it. The kid has standards. Unfortunately, I am not able to revert my standards to toddler age, so I groan and moan and hope for time to pass so that I don't have to listen to Wuzzleberg talk anymore.
AND YES MY SON IS UP AT 10PM AND IF YOU GIVE ME ANY LIP ABOUT IT I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE TIT.
Hey, did you do something to your hair? That's it, isn't it? Wow. It really suits you. I fancy it.
All of your neuroses, available today on Facebook
Facebook, I love you, but I kind of hate you. No, I don't hate you in the way that other whiny computer geeks hate you. I'm not in love with Myspace and having pissing contests over the two of you. I'm not all caught up in your format and yelling, "Wah wah wah! I don't like how you are trying to be Twitter!" I'm not even a member of "Bring the Old Facebook Back!"
Why? Because I'm not a whiny jerk.
What I am, however, is a wine-y jerk. Sometimes a vodka jerk.
And that's where we have a problem, you and I.
You're freaking me out, man. And not in a good way.
Just because I've been drinking a bit of vodka just about, oh, maybe every night or so for the last week, it doesn't mean that you should display ads for Americana vodka because I've tried EVERY other vodka brand and import, or so you say in the ad.
How do you know what brands and how much I've been drinking? I'll have you know that I'm enjoying a giant bottle of Costco vodka, and Costco vodka don't need no justification. You buy it because it's big and will break your leg off if you drop it.
Look. Just because I talked about drinking vodka with juice box from Costco (which, by the way, is the smartest parenting cocktail I've seen in a long time) and then pairing it with a Ralph Fiennes movie, it does NOT mean that you should taunt me with Facebook ads for additional vodka. You do not need to remind me that, on occasion, I am overdoing it with the nightly vodka/juice box. You do not need to remind that even more vodka is available to drown my sorrows, and guess what?! It's American made vodka! Wave your patriotic flag, eat your Freedom Fries, and drown them in a vat of Americana vodka! Add some juice box squeezed by American hands!
Facebook, I've been going through some hard times. Hard times that I don't talk about to NOBODY. And no, I don't care that I had a fit of bad grammar back there. I'm a backwoods East Texas girl, and I'm lucky I can spell my own name, much less understand that Ralph Fiennes will punch me in the tit if I call him RALF instead of RAIF. So, stop taunting me, Facebook. I don't need to know that America makes enough vodka to drown my secret sorrows. Costco already provides this information in bulk.
You can also stop taunting my 30-something lady friends with your wrinkle ads. Honestly, I don't need to know that Mary Whatsherface from Sheboygan found a great home cure for hemorrhoids, wrinkles, and teeth whitening, and you can cure them all with one vat of Mary-made cream! The ladies at my playgroup were not pleased with having to face your wrinkle ads on top of unwanted invitations from old high school acquaintances. We have enough things that remind us how old and infirm we are.
Also, you're like a really bad friend who wants me crash and burn. Honestly, why are you posting "Hybrids by the hour" and green grocer ads right next to the vodka ad? Really?! You want me to drink your American vodka and THEN rent a car to go to the store, just because the booze was made by some schlump in Walla Walla and the car is environmentally friendly? Wow, Facebook. You've really found me out. You know how to reach your target market of moms who are home alone at night but need to get crunk, only to find they are out of wheat grass juice and couldn't POSSIBLY drive to the health food store unless it's in a hybrid.
Well done, Facebook.
Oh, and this ends my nonsense rampage that has everything to do with avoidance and shaking of fists and a great deal of boredom.
You're welcome.
The kid makes art for a good cause
Amos and I are participating in the 2009 Kid Art Auction, the brainchild of Greeblemonkey and Fruitlady. This year's proceeds will benefit Nature Conservancy.I intended to add these sooner than today, but as you may be aware, I've had tremendous computer issues as of late. Now that those days are over, I can get back to my 'ritin', 'rithmetic, and ruminatin'.
About a month or so ago, I bought some nontoxic finger paints for Amos. I fully intended for his first creations to be donated to Kid Art Auction. Phil and I are more writers than painters, so we had no idea what would spill from Amos' fingers.
He didn't disappoint.
We've donated three of his paintings, shown below in the slideshow. One looks like a thunderbird, another seems like a fanciful dancer, and the third looks like a tree. I like them all. Perhaps they are more Rorschach ink blots than what I see, but to each his own, eh?
Please go to the Flickr group for Kid Art Auction and bid on Amos' creations (listed under imaginary binky). Auction ends at 8pm MST April 30th, 2009. Bids start at $5, and all you have to do is leave your bid in a comment on the particular photo in the Kid Art Auction Flickr group.
Just think. You could soon be holding your very own Amos Porter painting. Happy bidding, and thanks for participating!
Vlad the Vlogger
So, yes. I've entered the new century with fancy doodads and geegaws. My new laptop arrived today!
*massive cheers*
Amos and I decided to try the built-in camera. Let me know what you think of the audio. Video #1 is done with better lighting and the microphone from a headset. Video #2 is bad lighting and the laptop's built-in microphone. Better here or here? This one, or that one?
Please pardon the hair and lack of makeup. I made a half-assed attempt to straighten my hair today. I look like a softbal player from the 70s. Perhaps this is not my best look.
Now, on to the show.
Blah blah blah from me and lots of antics from Amos.
Bad lighting, possibly bad audio, but incredibly cute words from Amos. He speaks! You shall listen!
Alrighty. I'll think of something fantastic to do and/or say for next time.
Plop. Plop. Fizz. Fizz.
Yet, there is no relief in sight. Damn you, Alka Seltzer.
Okay, maybe I shouldn't damn you if I didn't actually take your product, but I do damn your brethren of cold/flu medicines that I did take - and did not work.
I caught a cold from Amos. He was all cute and drippy with his cold, while I am a face-swollen, drippy, achy, disgusting mess. Oh, to have the immune system of a toddler. Currently, I have a tissue stuffed up my nose as I type. One nostril would leak, so I stuffed a tissue up there. Then, the other nostril started to leak, so I stuffed the other end of the tissue up the remaining nostril. I look like one of those Spanish bulls with a huge nose ring, except mine is the backwoods Kentucky version of having a nose ring.
"Look, ma! I didn't even need to pierce it! I just stuffed a tissue up in der! Them kids at school are gunna thank I'm so kewl!"
I watched a show recently about backwoods Appalachia, so perhaps this is where I got the idea.
My computer is dying a slow, agonizing death in a very melodramatic way. I think my laptop wants to be a soap star. It darts its eyes furtively and takes dramatic pauses, or it runs away with the swarthy stranger who turns out to be its brother.
For these reasons, I have ordered a new laptop. I yearn for the day when I receive the notice in the mail that the maker of said laptop has decided to finally ship it. How could a laptop take so long to make and ship? What about all of those fancy machines that go whiz and burr and brop and zing as they drop pieces of technology onto plastic and then call it a computer? How long could that possibly take? I know they aren't knitting the laptop. If they were knitting it, I'd understand. Because, uh, I'm a slow knitter. It would take me years just to fashion up a wireless mouse.
So, unless my new laptop is crocheted or cross-stitched with pretty roses, I will remain anxious and angry with the maker of said laptop. In the meantime, please send more tissues to myself and my old laptop. She's making eyes at the coffee machine, and I hear he's a heartbreaker. (Plus, he died in a mysterious brick-making factory explosion but somehow came back with amnesia. I think we know how that one goes.)
imaginary binky's Page
Profile Information
- Name or Pseudonym:
- imaginary binky
- About Me:
- My name is Sarah Porter, and I'm a blogger (hello, Sarah). The first step is admitting you have a problem.
I'm a relatively new mom and writer who writes about the ridiculous, highly unusual, or just plain mundane things around me. I focus on humorous widgets, items and units surrounding my life with The Stand-Up Comedian husband and our baby (nay! TODDLER!) boy.
Amos is 16-months-old and charming the britches off of everyone he meets. Why everyone wants to take off their britches when they meet him is beyond me.
Join me as we laugh, point, and stare.
Where are the funny bloggers?
I enjoy writin' and readin' humorous and witty blogs. Is that you? Tell me all about your blog! Lead me to the promised land!
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NaBloSoMoHos - one more time, with feeling
Good grief. Am I really doing this again?!
NaBloSoMoHos - one more time, with feeling is posted over there.
Posted on November 1, 2008 at 12:43pm —
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I am funny; just in more of a laughing at than laughing with way I fear.
And you need to be greener. With a pointy hat. And an aversion to water. Plus? Amos is a little too cute to be witch spawn.
Kid Art Auction for Earth Day.
Is it a "night off" if I get to go to the grocery store without the kids?
How are u?
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